Note: this was imported from my tumblr blog. Originally posted on July 26, 2011
Today is my last day of being 32. It’s not a big deal to a lot of people, but for me, birthdays are a big deal. It’s a chance to change your life. I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, I make birthday resolutions. This is my chance to better my life. My 33rd year is the time to do all I didn’t last year and all that I want to accomplish this year - and this life.
I feel that I accomplished a lot this year, my 32rd year in life. I found personal acceptance, and that’s more that I ever could have hoped to accomplish.
I also went through a lot this year. My parents divorced which was devastating and freeing at the same time. I’m not a child, but even as an adult, it’s not easy to understand and accept that your parents will live new and different lives that may or may not include you. And it’s also hard to pull yourself out of their drama and take care of yourself - it’s still hard, everyday. It’s also hard to reconcile that your family will never be the same, no matter how old you are. I’m ultimately happy that they are apart and have found their own happiness. That has been worth it’s wait in gold, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted for both of them… happiness.
Friendships have also been challenging this year. I finally found my voice to tell my friends my expectations of them and what the perameters of our friendship need to be for me. These were not easy conversations, but they were necessary for some of us to continue on. They are still works in progress, but my friendship are where I live and die. It’s been challenging for my friends to understand the “new” me at times. But I was not willing to compromise me and ultimately a fulfilling relationship. I love my friends and I know they love me too, and that’s why we’re in it for the long haul. I wouldn’t have the life that I cherish without them. Because I am a better person because I have had them in my life.
Work has been an interesting journey as well. For a long time, I felt unfulfilled and consistently aggrevated with my team. I felt that I was misunderstood for so long. It has taken a lot of work to undo that, and I’m not so sure I’m done. I’m almost a decade older than most of them and I have had a lot more work and life experience. I tend to forget that for a lot of them, this is their first work experience and I expect more from them then they may be able to give. I tend to be to the point and “business” like. I’m not at work to make friends, but that’s not always the consensus. But I have realized that my unhappiness at work was also due to me. I wasn’t doing all that I could to make it fulfilling. If I was going to make something of myself there, I needed to do it myself. And I have taken it by the rains and I feel proud everyday of my accomplishments there.
Oddly enough, my student staff was one of the best I’ve ever worked with. My heart swells of pride thinking of them and they’re accomplishments, not only as a team but individually. I’ve cried more tears letting them go then I ever have in the past. They are amazing young women that taught me more than I ever taught them. Not only letting go of the couple that won’t return to me, but also pushing the ones out of the nest to seek and explore their lives. I will miss Lisa and Becca every day - and I mean, everyday. And I’m so proud of Sari and Molly for all that they are doing and who they are becoming. I’m so proud to be a part of their lives. You would think it would be easier every year, but it only gets harder. I only hope that they all keep me in their lives to see their accomplishments and that they look fondly on their time with me and their accomplishments in our little community.
Romantic relationships have been uninteresting this year. I’ve dated a lot. But I’ve yet to meet any real men. But I have great hope that I will. I know there must be someone out there for me, and I will find it, damn it! Unfortunately, my biological is going off like an annoying alarm clock. I hope that I am fortunately to have children sometime in the future and find love as well. I hope that fairy tale works out. I guess we’ll just see. But either way, I know I’ll be happy with the life I have.
Family has also been a challenge this year. One of my closest family member has been struggling with addiction and it’s truly changed who he is. It pains me everyday and I want him to seek help. Unfortunately, it’s not my decision but his. I have had to make tough decisions to separate myself from his life. It’s not easy for me to see someone I love go through hard times, but I can’t make his decisions for him. I truly wish I could make it different, but I can’t. But my heart is always with him and I’ll be there when he needs me.
One of the hardest challenges I went through this year was almost losing my best friend, the love of my life, my little man, my baby, my dog Oliver. He had some severe health issues. It was a sobering experience. I was not prepared in any way. After weeks of doctor’s visits and tests, luckily he was well. That was the most terrifying experience I’ve ever had. He’ll be 10 years old in two days. But I have grand expectations to have him in my life for years, and unrealistically forever. He has been through everything with me the past 10 years. I know there will be dogs after Oliver, because I love dogs and I will always have that companionship in my life. But the idea of not having him in my life was… well… I can’t even discuss it. I’m grateful everyday that I have him. He is my heart and always will be.
But after all of these challenges, I have found peace in my heart with so much. Including me. Which is the hardest part to find. I’ve grown as a person. I’ve learned to let go and say goodbye to what I needed to. I have found forgiveness that I never thought I’d be capable of. I have figured out how to communicate my heart, my mind, and my soul. I have found acceptance of people and myself. And I know how to love with my full heart. I am proud of all that. I feel like I fit into my skin for the first time in my life. It only took 32 years, and I’m happy to be here. I look forward to what 33 has to offer me - good and bad.
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