A year in reflection. A year of growth.

Note: this was imported from my tumblr blog.  Originally posted on July 26, 2011

Today is my last day of being 32.  It’s not a big deal to a lot of people, but for me, birthdays are a big deal.  It’s a chance to change your life.  I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, I make birthday resolutions.  This is my chance to better my life.  My 33rd year is the time to do all I didn’t last year and all that I want to accomplish this year - and this life.

I feel that I accomplished a lot this year, my 32rd year in life.  I found personal acceptance, and that’s more that I ever could have hoped to accomplish.  

I also went through a lot this year.  My parents divorced which was devastating and freeing at the same time.  I’m not a child, but even as an adult, it’s not easy to understand and accept that your parents will live new and different lives that may or may not include you.  And it’s also hard to pull yourself out of their drama and take care of yourself - it’s still hard, everyday.  It’s also hard to reconcile that your family will never be the same, no matter how old you are.  I’m ultimately happy that they are apart and have found their own happiness.  That has been worth it’s wait in gold, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted for both of them… happiness.

Stay In vs. Take Out: Gnocchi Dinner Challenge

     It's amazing to me how many conversations I have with my friends about the cost of eating out versus the cost of eating in.  I rarely eat out or order in, and in New York City - that's pretty freakin' rare!  Maybe once a week will I have dinner out with a friend or pick up lunch at work, but other than that, I cook every single meal that I eat.  And trust me; I eat well.  My lunches are quite often the envy of my office mates.  But as many times as I've had this debate with coworkers, friends, and family, either you believe that eating out for nearly every meal saves you money or you don't.  However, I've discovered this debate has nothing to do with money at all.

     "Sometimes it's cheaper for me to order in two meals than to go to the grocery store and buy everything to cook dinner!" exclaimed my friend Kosta, as we stood in line at the grocery store buying ingredients to make Ellie Krieger's Turkey Meatballs with Quick and Spicy Tomato Sauce and Whole-Wheat Spaghetti.

Yumminess: Down Home Skinnier Biscuits and Gravy

Oh, I know what you're thinking... Biscuits and Gravy on Weight Watchers??  She's crazy!!  Well, that's probably true, but not with this recipe!

I was feeling so good after my WW meeting this Saturday morning and after getting the good news that I had lost 6.4 lbs, that I felt I deserved a treat... BRUNCH!!!  I love brunch, it's absolutely my favorite meal category.  I love the fact that it's sorta breakfast and sorta lunch... but with cocktails.  And this forms a deliciousness called brunch!  This particular morning, I was craving my favorite comfort brunch... fluffy biscuits, buttery scrambled eggs, all smothered in creamy sausage gravy.  Oh, I can't tell you how deep my love of this meal goes... but I can remember my Grandmother making it for me as a child with Pillsbury biscuits and Jimmy Dean sausage gravy... I can remember having it at Sunrise Cafe every Sunday morning in downtown San Clemente, CA, as a teenager... and I can still taste the Five Star Benedict from Five Star Day in Athens, GA, buttermilk biscuits topped with ham, two eggs over easy and sausage gravy, after a long night of partying!  Mmmm mmmm!

Everyone needs a gold star now and then!

Alright!  Here we go!  My first weight in, it's gonna be great!  I waited patiently to hear the words I had longed to hear all week, "You've lost ... pounds."  All my hard work, dedication, and positive attitude was going pay of right here.

"Ok, you stayed the same," the Weight Watchers desk worker told me.  She smiled kindly and handed back my booklet.

The Emotional Weight of it All...

     While waiting for a Weight Watcher's meeting to begin, a kind, middle-aged woman next to me struck up a conversation.  "Is today your first day?" she asked with a nervous smile.

     "Yes and no," I answered.  "This is my first day, but not my first time," I said with a wink.

      She just laughed and began to commiserate with me.  She told me how hard it was for her to do this again and the struggle she's been through.  This was her third time starting Weight Watchers.  I listened and understood completely, being a serial dieter myself.  But then she told me of her other struggles.  Struggles that had prevented her from committing to her weight loss for one reason or another.  Her son had a stroke, then her father took ill, shortly after her daughter-in-law broke her leg and needed constant assistance.  It was like a page out of a Greek tragedy.  And then she smiled, and said, "But everyone's better now, and here I am trying to get back on track."  Wow, I thought, what a trooper.

And away we go!

Whew!  Well, I survived my first weigh in.  The last couple of days I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.  That number was terrifying me but I was determined to know it, accept it, and own it.  I decided to make it a good morning and start the day off positive before I took a blow to my ego.  I woke up early, drank a nice big cup of joe, played with the dog, and went to the farmer's market with two of my lovely RAs.  It was a great way to spend any Saturday morning, but now it was time to face the music.


I walked through the damp New York city streets with my head held high even though my nerves were creeping up on me.  For 7 blocks I kept reminding myself, "It's going to be ok.  It's just a number.  It's a reality I have to face.  And today we're gonna work to change it."  It was my mantra for the morning.  I had prepared myself for the worst.  I was going to be okay no matter what that scale read - 270, 280, even 300.  It didn't change anything because it was already my reality.   

I nervously shoved my paperwork forward to the pleasant woman with a kind smile, Juanita, behind the counter.  I got on the scale and Juanita put a little sticker in my book and handed back.  Why isn't she saying anything?  Aren't they supposed to tell me my weight?  Oh god, it's that bad.  It's so bad she doesn't want to say it out loud.  I took my book and realized I had 15 minutes until the meeting started.  The weight of that book in my hand seemed up bearable.  So I shoved it into my purse and began nervously browsing through the books and other Weight Watcher's swag.  I even popped into the yoga studio across the hall and picked up a schedule.  


I came back a few minutes later and the place was hopping.  I took a seat, pulled my materials from my purse, and opened the book...  257 lbs.  Huh.  Ok, so it wasn't as bad as I had prepared for in fact, it was a HUGE relief just to know.  So that was it.  257 lbs... ok, it's not great, but it's manageable.  And I'm working to making it less.  My first goal is 244 lbs and I'm gonna get there before I know it!

I stayed through the meeting, which was very inspiring.  And stayed through the beginners meeting as well, even though I knew what I was doing.  I took notes like a good little student.  I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do this the right way this time.  My team leader, Robert, left us with something really terrific today, "Destiny is a matter of choice, not chance."  Wow, isn't that the truth!

Foiled again...

Well, my plan to start last Sunday was violently interrupted by a 24 hour stomach flu.  So rather than weighing in and kicking myself, I was lying in bed begging for my dog to put me out of my misery.  The good news is that I'm pretty sure I dropped a few pounds that day.

The next day, when life seemed livable again, I decided not to let my misfortune stop me.  After scrubbing my entire apartment in bleach, and I was sure everything was disinfected, I did my grocery shopping as planned.  I came home and prepped my breakfasts and lunches for the week. It was quite a feat considering food and I were still not talking.

I went ahead and assigned myself 33 WW points per day (which is what I was at last time) and keep with my week as planned despite my late start date.  So far the week has been great!  Nothing's holding me back this time!  In fact, I think my illness has fueled me to get healthier all around.  This is the third time I've been sick with something awful this summer and I'm sooooooo over it!  So on top of my new eating habits, I'm also kicking my smoking habit and putting down the cocktails and trading them in for an iced tea.  I'm going to get 8 hours of sleep (well, I usually do - but it sounds nice right??) and I'm going to walk my dog twice as long everyday.  It's just time for these things.  All of these things - my weight, the smoking, the cocktail hour - they've been on my "Bad Habit To Kick" List for sometime.  Now maybe I can start ticking things off on my "Fun Things To Do" list!